December 16 - Friendship

December 16 – Friendship. 
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

This is the one that is the hardest to write.  I am lucky to have two best friends, who I have known since middle school and have gotten to reconnect again with in adulthood.  I consider them both to be amazing people.  We are so different and so very deeply alike.  I respect and love them deeply.  One of my dearest friends has been struggling after the loss of her father.  One has recently discovered that she is pregnant.  I didn't realize that both would hit me in secretly painful places.  I didn't realize that this would make it so difficult to be friends with them.  I tried to hide, I tried to withdraw:  one friend reached out with her own pain and seemed to know exactly where to hit to hurt me when really she just wanted me to support her.   I couldn't find the words to tell her that I was also hurting, and that she was hurting me, and that I didn't know how to stop her hurting even though I felt like I should have the power to do so.  I couldn't tolerate it, and felt deeply shamed.  The other has had to play intermediary and work to seek me out, when she just wants to experience this joy with someone who would get the newness of it all.  I didn't want to tell her that I am jealous, that I feel I am going to lose her to mommyhood, that I want to be part of that strange sorority, and that what is happening to her is nothing short of simply amazing.  And because I was hiding from my own pain, I couldn't figure out how to set it aside to just be with them.  But I'm working on it.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 15 - 5 Minutes

December 15 – 5 Minutes. 
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. 

In thinking of alarms, I start this with my own alarm clock, the best purchase of 2010.  My winter mornings are started with a steadily building glowing light that begins a half hour before I am due to wake, tricking my brain into thinking the sun is rising.  On alarm, steel kettle drums signal that its time to pull on my workout clothes, grab my iPod and greet the treadmill (or before it snowed, head outside to the reservoir).  This ritual is how I keep myself from slipping into the winter blues; this is the first year I've really pulled myself free from this muck and mire.  I don't want to forget it, because I do, fast - and then I'm back there again. 

This was the year that we started moving towards next steps:  we fought and discussed and compromised and cried over house searches, cars, jobs, and babies.  We've had nine different rental cars, we've seen hundreds of houses, and we know we want to be closer to family but right now, but career wins.  Family visited:  my mom, my grandparents, his parents.  We visited family.  I went to a conference.  A job offer, denied, but not before weeks of terrible anxiety.  We went on adventures, seeking hidden treasures and taking tons of photos.

Lessons learned:  When you feel that upset about something, it isn't right (thanks mom, for pointing that out).  Sugar is no good for you.  Take cars to the dealer.  Oil heat sucks.  You need to actually like the house you are buying, because you'll be sending a big fat mortgage check for it every month (that one is from my F-I-L).  Return to Lake Tahoe (Lake Taco!) because its beautiful.  Keep traveling.  There is a network of powerful, gentle, amazing women who want to support you.  Laughter and silliness is a necessity.  And we love each other very much. 

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December 13 - Action

December 13 - Action. 
When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

Yikes, right, what's my next step?  I have no idea.  That's the problem.

This year I accomplished many of the things I set out to do.  Yay, me.  I am now a licensed mental health counselor, and I'll send away my application for my art therapy license soon.  I will study and take the test to become a Board Certified Art Therapist.  I have become much more active than I ever have, and want to run a 5K.  I will travel a lot next year.  We will keep looking for a house, and we will keep trying to start our little family.  But these all feel like things already set in motion.  I want to take this year to another level.  But I don't know how.  I feel like there is this something else I'm supposed to be doing, but I have no idea what it is, much less how to get there.  Maybe figuring that out is the next step. 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 14 - Appreciate

December 14 – Appreciate. 
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Community and connections.  I've written already about building connections locally, but it occurs to me that I don't thank the people who actually read what I write, and how much it means to me.  When I click "publish" after receiving a comment, I bounce around my apartment and chatter away about different ideas I want to write about, and things I want to say.  It makes me feel good.  So, thank you. 

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December 12 - Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration 
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

My philosopher husband would cite Descartes as being to blame for the fact that we have a mind-body separation at all, and he would talk animatedly about the development of time and its influence on the demise of the principle of "I am body."  Being integrated means having no awareness of now-ness, no awareness of a difference between self and others and the world.  The world is one living, breathing organism, with you a non-divisible component.  Time is a construct, it does not exist.  Theoretically, you can't have a cohesive YOU without dropping the constructs of mind, body, time, present or you.

In a way, it is almost too late to be able to have a moment where there is no mind and body.  We are all too aware of time, and the way we view ourselves has morphed into seeing our mind and body as separate things.   To try to be a cohesive YOU is an unfair task.  Eh, but go ahead and argue with me because I hold out for the possibility.  And then I will direct you to debate it out with my resident philosopher.  I guess that a fair way to answer this question would be to identify when each of these elements was perfectly synced so I felt the most balanced, in rhythm, in tune. 

And I would answer, honestly, no.  I could say that it was when I was running:  but I am all too aware of the awkwardness of my body, the pain in my left calf and the laboring of my breath, I know I have fifteen minutes before I have to get in the shower and out the door.  I have brief seconds when I am completely in tune, and then I realize it and its gone.  But I love those moments, when I'm running and thinking "I'm running!  I'm breathing!  I'm running!" 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 11 - 11 Things

December 11 – 11 Things 
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Overdoing.  Like of course, I had to make a complete list with little blurbs for everything.  But I can edit, I don't need to see every house on the market to know what I want and what fits, I don't have to read every book, or track down every piece of information on a topic, or do every last step or even identify every last thing that I shouldn't overdo...I can edit.
2. Overthinking.  I paralyze myself and accomplish nothing by overthinking everything.  I can just get it done.
3. Unrealistic Expectations, aka The Need for Things to Be Perfect.  Example, I don't need an art studio to make art.  I just need to make art.
4. Putting Things Off.  Tasks seem too big or time feels too short, but I can break tasks down and do a bit here or there.  Plus, check out #5.
5. Digital Media.  I watch too much TV and spend too much time on the internet.  I could read books and craft and clean and other wacky things like that.
6. Grudges and unresolved conflict.  Yep.  That. 
7. Sugar.  I've been off sugar for six months (eh, with little splurges) but I feel a million times better without it.
8. Depression.  I am so done with depression.  Be gone!
9. Debt.  Down with Sallie Mae!  Plus, we're paying off our car loan this year! 
10. Fear.  Okay, some fear is good.  Like, being afraid of big game animals is probably a good idea.  But making decisions based on fear (or not making decisions) is not okay.  
11. Piles.  I don't know if I'll ever get rid of the clutter, but maybe I can do something about the piles of crap I have everywhere.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 10 - Wisdom

December 10 – Wisdom. 
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

The wisest decision I made this year was one that those who would have been most impacted by my decision knew nothing about, but it influenced everything about my relationships with those people.  If you've been reading, you may remember that I was offered another job making quite a bit more money, and I decided to turn that job down.  Just reading that makes me cringe.  Every once in awhile, I kick myself and feel stupid for making the decision.  I say that the drive was too far, the populations too diverse, the parking too sparse, the timing not right.  And this is all true, but jeez I make so little money.

The truth is, I didn't want to leave because I was smack in the middle of relationships with clients that I had spent years building.  I was seeing the fruits of my work - and I was also learning the failures of my efforts.  Both are necessary to learn.  I was also building relationships with people I work with, I was starting to set down roots, and all of this was making me afraid, and so I wanted to run.  Conversely, I was also very afraid of the new position.  I envisioned it like a mountain I was not ready to climb (and wow, it would have been a lot of driving).  In turn, it allowed me to see that my own mountain was slightly less daunting, albeit woefully underpaid.

Several times a week, I think, 'wow, I would have missed this moment with this person'.  I teared up at our holiday party, my heart squeezed when a teenage girl called me for support, when another emailed me because she knew I would be there, when a woman stumbled forward in telling her story.  This is the difficulty in my field:  people trust that we will be there.  I found myself thinking that this was a wise choice, to stay.  Still, I worry because I will need to leave soon.  I just hope that I will feel it is a wise choice then, as I know it will be a painful one. 

So I continue to grapple with the same question:  how do we get to both make a living wage and do what is fulfilling?  Often I think I am not so wise.  I often can't tell the difference:  what decisions do I make that are fear based or out of insecurity?  when am I too involved and need to step back?  I don't know.

ps.  I know I'm behind in posting these, but I'm working on it!

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 8 - Beautifully Different / December 9 - Party

I'm posting these together because they are both terribly awkward to answer.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. 
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

There is an expressive therapy activity where you collage magazine images, and then you speak from the collage, starting with "I am one who."  So I begin this with, I am one who finds the word beautiful uncomfortable.  I am one who doubts that I light people up.  But I am one who wants to be both, as I consider them the same. 

I feel that I am simple, plain, thoughtful, introspective.  Funny, athletic, encouraging, idealistic, creative and a lot of other words.  I have always seen myself as water, flowing around, slowly wearing away, changing things quietly.  I think big, very big, but feel squashed, stuck all the time because I have no place to put all those big ideas.  When I am excited, I gesture and dance around.  I think I am good at putting people at ease, I think people are comfortable around me.  I am patient.  I like to make eye contact and smile.  I like to help.  Yes, that's me, I like to help.  I try to be a tough ass, but I am not.  I run deep.

December 9 – Party 
Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Oh geez, I am skipping this one. 

December 7 - Community

December 7 – Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

For several years, finding community has been difficult for me.  I am a loner, a homebody, I do fine by myself.  I do fine with lots of people too.  But I didn't realize (or admit) that I needed people.  When we moved to Boston six years ago (wow, six years?), it was hard to be away from family, I had no job, no friends here, no direction, it was just me and my husband.  I didn't realize how much I needed community.  I went to school, I created small pockets of community here and there, but nothing lasting or fulfilling.  It involves a lot of putting yourself out there, which scares the crap out of me.  That's vulnerable land.  And so I've let this city be a lonely place.  Now, as we begin thinking about starting a family or when something as simple occurs as our car breaking down, I think again about how far away our support system is.  And so I admit, I am hungry for community.  

I realized something shocking this past year:  my job has become this for me.  I truly care about the people I work with.  When I was offered another job, the thought of leaving - despite the falling apart building, the low pay, the intense workload - made me feel like an untethered balloon.  I need this supportive, caring group right now.  I can be smart and efficient, I can also hurt and make mistakes.  

But its not enough.  I need a family base around me outside of this work family.  I need a community to make art with.  I need a supervision group that I can let my guard down with, who also use art in healing.  I want to keep building friendships.  I want to see my mom more.  Yes, I am hungry for community.  So this means that I have to keep letting myself be vulnerable and taking a lot of risks.  Yikes.  Maybe I'll keep practicing here. 

December 6 - Make

December 6 – Make. 
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The ugly truth is the thing I am making now is not "art".  I am painting wooden ornaments with inexpensive acrylic paints.  The ornaments have circle openings for pictures, and I plan to put To/From labels inside that I made in Illustrator and attach the ornaments to presents as tags.  They cost maybe $.25/each on Black Friday, the best day for craft shopping ever.  I plan to wrap my presents in paper bags, and to make bows using magazines.  That's next.

The last serious making I did was at the Art Therapy Conference in November.  I created this small kit I can carry with me to Sacramento which includes a mechanical pencil and a thin sharpie (my current favorite art supply), a small watercolor set (I didn't spend this much for this, I used 50% coupons and got a smaller one), and watercolor crayons.  I use a sample container from the Body Shop for water.  I brought my altered book/sketch book, and during the opening sessions of the conference, I sat and created while I listened.  The conference had an open studio space, which I took advantage of one morning after a presentation.  And I created these:

I've been trying to find a time to create between, during or after clients.  I try to schedule time after work.  I try to make time during the weekends.  Nothing works.  Space is incredibly limited, and there is always something else to do.  I have a sketchbook full of things I want to make, from the scrapbooks I plan to finish to the potholders I want to sew to the ATC and altered bookmaking I need creative play time for.  As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to realize that I need to sign up for classes or groups or studio space outside my home and work.  I'm also making the commitment to work on projects the week after Christmas.  I have to!

December 5 - Let Go

December 5
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Today I realized that over this past year, I have let go of a lot of shame.  I am less ashamed of who I am, how I look, where I come from and who I come from.  I'm beginning to view things from a more objective point of view, and am hopeful for the day I might be able to say the things I need to say to the person I need to say them to.  And maybe I'm finally letting go of that grudge, and all the hurt that accompanies it.

But right now, I need the guidance to NOT let go of a good friend who I also can't find the right words to express all the hurt I feel while honoring her own pain.    

December 3 – Moment / December 4 - Wonder

December 3
Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

The parking lot was littered with holes, tucked off a grassy gravel road that ran near our favorite beach, the one where we got engaged.  He maneuvered our car gingerly, body tight, anxious at the thought of a broken axle.  Warnings were plastered everywhere:  beware of thieves, leave no valuables.  We gathered our special bag and GPS, I pulled on an old pair of sneakers and rolled up my too-long jeans, hiding my purse at the far reaches of the trunk.  We shrugged at the signs, throwing worried glances at each other, and plunged into the path, finding ourselves surrounded by oceans of long, gracious grasses, gently rippling as if alive.

We echoed the breath of the vegetation, the sun reaching our bare heads and bathing everything golden.    The GPS guided us to our destination, hidden past upended trees, roots as large as our bodies frozen in their life state, forever vertical.  We watched as tides stole silently beneath the silent grasses, filling the marsh with salty, rushing lakes, a small murmur the only indication of the change.  The thrill of our wandering gathered itself in my belly and I began to bend and flow, like the ocean, the grasses, the trees above us, rustling slowly, lazily as the sun sunk low in the sky.  Soon we would be pressured to hurry, we had taken too much time and needed to get back to our defenseless car.  We had a long ride home.  Things to do.  Dinner to eat.

And in a surge, the energy in my belly exploded in a laughter that propelled my body forward and I began running along the trails, jumping like a deer over the tree roots and around corners.  I heard a whoop behind me, as my husband began running in step behind me.  We were laughing, salt tears falling from our eyes, our feet flying only slightly faster than our joyous bodies.  We were flying, soaring, gliding.

December 4:
Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

We went on adventures.  This is how I have so many photos for my blog.  This is how we kept our sanity.  We are hide and seekers.  We are finders.  We have a keen sense for where things are hidden, and a new obsession to find them.  We are puzzle solvers and number crunchers.  We are adventurers.  More to come on this later.

http://www.reverb10.com/the-prompts/

December 2 – Writing

December 2
Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Frankly, its exciting to think about this question at all.  I want to be a writer, desperately.  I love it.  But I'm not one, and I've never gotten feedback that I am or should be.  So that's one:

1.  I don't believe I am a writer, and so stop myself from writing.  Because what does a non-writer need to be writing for, right?  So step one is just to write.  Perhaps I'll get really wacky and consider myself a writer:  what does it mean to be a writer?  what does a writer do, write?  I can do that.  I do that.
2.  I watch a lot of TV.  Like way too much TV.  We're going to be canceling or cutting back in the New Year.
3.  I don't have a daily writing practice - or, rather my daily practice is to write emails and posts to friends.  I think I can reallocate time.
4.  I don't have any ideas, or when I do, I forget them.  I used to use journaler to write down notes.  I could start posts here and just save them. 
5.  My job is an energy sucker, which is a shame, because one day this job is going to be a great source of writing material!

http://www.reverb10.com/the-prompts/

December 1 – One Word

I've been following the daily prompts given by this website.  The idea is to "reflect on this year and manifest the next."  Love it.  I'm a little behind, but wanted to do a couple for here.

December 1:
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My word for 2010 is Running.  The idea of running has always been a metaphor for me, and purely a metaphor:  I was one who made dumb jokes like "I only run when I am being chased."   But for the many, many years I attended college, I often visualized my completion of school as running.  This image grew stronger as I moved to Boston and I would think about the billion things I had to balance and this image of running would come to mind.  I visualized myself at a steady pace, gradually passing my imaginary peers.

This image changed as I entered my new job.  I felt like I was constantly moving, going, taking in information, filling out paperwork, a non-stop machine.  Running morphed into a running from, a rat-race type of running.  I was like a balloon, just bouncing around when the wind blew.  And by 2010 I was exhausted.

And this is tough to admit, I tend to run away from personal issues.  I withdraw, I hide, I avoid.  This was a year where I had to start facing this desire to run and begin to think about setting down roots. I've had to start taking a painful look at myself.  I can't hide anymore. 

My anxiety started reaching fever pitch when a good friend mentioned that she went running.  It seemed so seamless and simple:  put on shoes, go outside, run a bit, listen to my iPod, take in some Vitamin D, combat my anxiety and depression.  And that weekend I went and bought shoes.  And started running.  I also stopped eating sugar.  I started sleeping again.  I was not depressed.  I began to lose weight.  My anxiety dipped lower and lower.  I began to take control of my life again. 

Morning after morning, I began to get my thinking in order.  I felt my body grow more confident and strong.  I learned how to set pace and to breathe.  Such simple skills I was desperately lacking.

Running has become so powerfully life changing for me, that as I am stuck inside because it is 11 degrees outside, my heart is pounding at the happiness of running.  I feel good while I am running.  I feel alive.  Running helped me begin an inner search, to grow more grounded and rooted.  It is no longer a running away or a running from, but an act of strength, balance, consistency and focus.  And so, I can't think of a better word to mark this year:  this is the year I started and stopped running.

And as for next year:  every time I try to think of a word, I think of the blue of the Florida Keys and of Maine, places we are scheduled to visit; of this unfindable house; of the fertility issues that I will have to face and seek treatment for; a deeper journey of the self; photography and writing and ideas.  I think of the word expansion.  But we'll see.