ABAW: 19

I'm sitting here this evening watching "Its Kinda A Funny Story," a movie about a teenager who spends a week on an inpatient unit after feeling suicidal, and, of course, not only makes a big impact on the other patients and falls in love with the girl, but is able to start finding happiness. I like it, I'm not going to lie. But its definitely not like that. Perhaps that's the message: be incredibly thankful and give back.

I've been thinking a lot about how to connect my clients to community, to create something bigger than this day to dayness of therapy, something lasting that gives back. Something big. Something that allows all parts to be involved in their most impactful ways. I met a girl today who sparked this idea to start a magazine, to have editors and writers and art, lots of it, drawings, photography. How? And then I keep thinking about the blandness of our waiting room, and the absolute necessity of a mural there. How? An open studio. An art show. Mentors, jobs, places where people fit. How?

I know this blog is growing quieter and quieter, but something big is developing.  A shift to a new site perhaps, a different type of blogging, I'm not sure.  I wish I could describe the feeling of what is happening in the dark recesses of my brain, like tumblers in a lock falling into place.  

ABAW: 17 & 18

Every once in awhile I get overwhelmed by the bigness of things.  And on the flip side, I give myself big, almost impossible tasks, set goals really high, and usually meet them (that's a big thing I just admitted there!).  But I still get overwhelmed.  And then I pull back, withdraw, beat myself up until I finally get back in the game.  Sometimes it feels strategic:  when I pull back, I seem to come up with a new, better, clearer way of approaching this impossible task I've subjected myself to.  At least, that's how I'm spinning it.

Lately I've been thinking about the enormity of the blogosphere.  There are so many voices, so many posts, so many links.  My brain ceased to be able to take it in.  I certainly couldn't keep up with my reader, much less give comments, or do the challenges I signed myself up for.  I didn't want to touch my computer.  And then I realized I was overwhelmed by the channels on the TV, the items I had DVR'd, the items I had on my Netflix list.  And then there is my pile of books.  And the ideas I have and tasks I've given myself to do in my art making.  Nothing could touch the to do list I have at work.  I'm overwhelmed.  Completely totally overwhelmed.  Maybe this is me realizing what depression looks like for me, as its descending.  Usually I don't know until I'm in the black and I just have to ride it out.

But I've been doing some thinking, and some art making, and its still important to me to post it here.  And I've been doing mega-thinking about what I want to do with this space:  I feel like I can't share it because of my job.  But I want to start developing a professional persona, building my business so that I have more control and do the work I want to do without being completely buried under paperwork.  And I have this voice I've discovered.  I want to share my own lived experience. 

So I'm thinking.  Apologies for the absence, but I needed it. 

And for this Book A Week challenge I've set for myself:  I've read 17 books so far, but 28 weeks have gone by.  I have so many half read books, stacks and piles.  And wow, I'm reading some amazing books.