listening more deeply

I've spent weeks trying to figure out how to start this post.  So forgive me if this feels a little loose and kooky.  And it won't adequately convey my thinking right now, but I wanted to get something down.

I used to describe my nature as water.  I am good at bending and flowing, slowly wearing away, finding another direction.  But lately, I've been getting angry, beating my head against a wall, stomping my feet, yelling into the wind.  Pointless. 

A wise friend keeps gently pointing out that I need grounding, and I yell back "I'm trying!  Can't you see I'm looking for a house?  That will ground me!"  I am so anxious to begin my life and so worried about being behind that I'm entirely missing now.  I don't even know what is meant to happen NOW anymore.  I'm tracking basal temperatures, I'm searching for other jobs, I'm running, running, running.  Why?  And what from?  Where am I going so fast? 

Which is interesting, because one of the most grounding things I've done lately is running.  I'm learning a lot about myself while running.  I let other runners change my running.  When I pay too much attention to my breath, I struggle.  If I don't give my body what it needs, I am weak and in pain.  I am strongest when I focus on one foot in front of me, when I let my thinking drop to the back of my head and become quiet.  Becoming quiet is so very, very hard.

I've been reading a book on paying attention to signs.  And so I've been trying to pay closer attention.  I'm not totally sure what I'm paying attention to, and obviously I'm not trying to make mathematical theorems out of license plates - I'm frankly just not smart enough.  I'm just trying to pay closer attention to now.

My job requires me to listen deeply.  I never gave it the credit it deserves, what I do and how much it takes to do.  I must be centered and grounded to listen deeply.  I cannot get wrapped up in someone else's drama, swept away.  If I do, then I've ceased holding my listening stance.  I feel like I have internal antennae that pick up low frequencies, I feel myself going lower, deeper.  This is more than reflective listening ("I hear you saying...") and teaching insurance approved techniques.  This is something else I don't understand.  And I want to.

When I am figuratively running, I am running away from this.  I am running away from me.  What if I were to stop and listen?  What if I made decisions based on listening instead of what was expected of me, or what I even expected of myself?  I don't know.  It will work out.  And if it doesn't, maybe that's what is meant to happen.

And then I still argue with myself and say "But I am in charge!  I will make it happen if I want it to!"

There is the truth.  And so I need to listen to myself more deeply, because I have not been.  I am trying.