Every weekend, my husband and I go wandering around, soaking up the sunlight and enjoying the fall before it disappears into winter. I just got used to the summer: I love getting up early and going running, I love the sun, I love the beach. Heading into winter is dangerous territory for me. But this year, I'm going to keep getting heaping doses of sunshine, decrease the french fry/cookie intake and try to stay off the couch. Although, I can't wait for a big snowstorm so we can play video games, take naps and snuggle under blankets.
As we wander around, I'm taking a lot of photos and am starting to notice my photographic style again: something to do with colors, a bit of macro, and high contrast. I'm trying to keep my edges clean, and I'm thinking more about composition. Although sometimes I still just snap and hope for the best. I haven't paid attention to all of this since college, where I started to figure it out and then lost it somewhere in the midst of criticism and the real world. I feel like I should do something with it again, but I don't know what. I do know that capturing images and how I capture images is an intrinsic part of me.
As for the real world, well, hmpf.
As much as I love our adventures, I'm starting to realize that every time we go out wandering, we are avoiding everything we're supposed to be doing. And it all desperately needs our attention. When did we become adults with so much responsibility? It feels like we haven't even really gotten started yet!
Take this weekend, for example: we were "supposed" to go to open houses and look for a house. Instead, we've been wandering around these fantastically well-to-do neighborhoods and their gorgeous parks, pretending that we belong there and knowing full well we never will. I don't think we can afford a house. But we're paying a fantastically high rent for a small little box, and getting creamed on our taxes. We can't decide. We can't compromise. We're stuck.
And, while I'm not quite ready to talk too much about having babies, I'm learning that my body doesn't make the right hormones. So beyond the "are we ready yet" talk that is in constant negotiation, there is something more sobering. I don't want to be pumped with synthetic crap. I want to work with a doctor who is more holistically connected, find an acupuncturist, start yoga. My goal isn't necessarily to get pregnant. My goal is to be healthy and balanced, so that if I did get pregnant, my body would support a healthy pregnancy.
And my job is a big problem. I still feel good about turning down the other job, and I still like what I do. But I am burnt out. Paperwork sucks. So in a few weeks, I'm traveling to Sacramento to attend the American Art Therapy Conference. I'm hopeful it will fill me up again, that I'll get some new ideas, a big dose of self care, some space from things, community.
I'm desperate for the next stage, but don't quite know the next step. And I've been stuck here for way too long. Maybe this is it, living is just this and I'm making it too much of a big deal. Maybe things will sort themselves out. I also think I need to set boundaries around some things and jump in and make some tough decisions.
Until then, every weekend my husband and I go wandering, taking pictures and going on adventures. That's what its about anyway. Not money, or career, or doing things just the right way. Its just being together, soaking up the sunshine, observing the world, thinking, talking and wondering. And making tough decisions. Even when I don't want to be a grown up.
