December 29 - Defining Moment / December 30 - Gift / December 31 - Core Story

And one last one.  This is it!

December 29 – Defining Moment
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
When I reach back to last year, I see little dots:  we decided to start trying to get pregnant, we decided to buy a house, I took my test for my license.  And then a big one:  I started running.  I got my license.  I didn't get pregnant.  We didn't buy a house.  This year has been one of big decisions that seemed to go nowhere, and little ones that made a huge impact in the path of our lives.  I can feel the ripples begin to change this year, and the change in direction.

I've been looking over my blog, and can see tangible changes in this space too.  I created my own header and gradually have started to put together an online "identity."  I started making images bigger and better.  I've been taking more photos, and those are getting better as I learn more.  I am working on how I say the things I say...but I want to get better at that.  And slowly, slowly, I am building up community.

December 30 – Gift
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
In fairness, I will list one tangible and one emotional.  I've mentioned before the gift of being listened to - this one is one I can never repay.  And my Christmas gift of a camera...to be so supported in the things that make me feel good inside...thank you.

December 31 – Core Story
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)
How the you-know-what do you answer a question like this?  I don't know what my central story is.  But I've been thinking a lot about how this blog has been really helpful in pulling it all together.  I am finding a way to balance and carry all these pieces of myself, and bring them together into a more cohesive whole.  I'm also becoming less afraid of putting together my thoughts and sharing them.  And I've been able to create and be creative.

So, the core story?  I'm a person on a journey to figure out who I am and how to best use my talents to do a little good, feel a little good, and maybe make some use of this life.  I've battled many inner demons, I've learned that I need community, that I will crash and burn if I don't carefully stoke my inner fire, that I love documenting and observing the world, that I'm terrible at finishing projects but am growing better at it, that I can sort through all my feelings and can handle them, and that I have a voice and things to say. 

More tools to help plan the year ahead:
How to Budget for an Irregular Income
Lifehacker’s Free Tools to Manage New Years Resolutions
Gretchen Rubin’s Questions to Help You Make Effective New Year’s Resolutions.
Susannah Conway’s Allowing Dreams

I'm done!  Next year:  I will do these on time.  Seriously.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next

December 27 - Ordinary Joy / December 28 – Achieve

I am very behind on these, and am uploading the whole thing today!  Sorry for dragging it out so long...thanks for bearing with (and humoring) me.  Chalk this up to another one of my projects that I take forever to complete! 

December 27 – Ordinary Joy
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Roll your eyes if you must:  I am going to answer running AGAIN.  When I have dragged myself outside or on the treadmill, and my body has started moving, there is a moment where the adrenaline starts and I feel good.  I feel happy.  I feel light, and free, and joyful.  This lasts.  It is so much more than a moment, I can actually carry it forward and keep it.

I first felt this (and still do) when I met my husband, this lasting joy that I could carry with me.  It felt tangible, oddly concrete.  I would stop and think "ah ha, so THIS is what it feels like."  And so I offer these other small moments - snuggling on the couch, playing around while making dinner, making something, seeing someone succeed or get an idea, singing with the radio, a really good cup of tea, getting a comment, uploading a post I've worked on all night...

December 28 – Achieve
What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I want to more actively create.  When I make things, I feel amazing.  It feeds on itself, and I begin to think more visually, I come up with more creative solutions, I express myself better verbally, I feel clearer about what I want and where I am going.  When I am not creating, I feel mucky-muck, trapped, empty.  The trick is, its hard to balance making with my job - even though I am trained to be an art therapist! 

1. Take photos every weekend, anywhere I can.
2. Practice looking, even if I don't take a photo.
3. Join online challenges, and follow along with the prompts.
4. Share with others, even talking about it.
5. Make art with other people.
6. Break creative tasks into steps so I can achieve even something small on a daily basis.
7. Redefine what it means to "make art" and let it be teeny tiny, imperfect, and with whatever materials I want.
8. Think about the different tasks and brainstorm whenever I can (driving!).
9. Do try to make or do something daily.
10. Include writing and reading and researching in the concept of creating.

Two tools to help plan the year ahead:
Start Your Own Happiness Project
The Next Step After Vision



The first link feels a bit like marketing, I didn't have too much luck pulling something from there to use immediately.  I will admit, her book is on my amazon wishlist, and others seem to benefit from her words.  The second link resonates a bit more with me.  The author points to that moment when we articulate a new direction, like "I want a new job".  Instead of jumping on it, wrestling it to the floor and asking it what steps I'll need to take, we should welcome it, acknowledge it, enjoy it, be with it.  And then see what it has to tell us.  Which resonates so strongly with me, because I have a bunch of those visitors right now, and I can't wait to see what they have to say.





Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next

December 26 - Soul Food

December 26 – Soul Food 
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

It was more about what I did NOT eat this year that fed my soul.  I'm a food stuffer:  I eat to stuff feelings.  I eat lots and lots of cheese and baked goods and potato derivatives (fried, mashed, french).  This was not sustaining me.  My belly may have shown otherwise, but my heart was aching a different tune.  This year, I concentrated on the feeling of being full enough.  And if I was hungry, deciphering what else my self needed:  sleep, snuggles, a good cry, a good laugh.

For some reason I feel compelled to share the quote for this song.  Maybe because it reminds me of both taking in what is not good for you, and also withstanding the power of something stronger...:

Joni Mitchell, A Case of You:

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

One tool to help plan the year ahead:
MicroMOVEments



The above tool is awesome.  The idea is to break down big tasks into small, teeny tiny accomplishable ones.  As soon as I read this, I started it.  For example:  I have been deep cleaning my kitchen over the past two weeks!  I kept putting off the task because it was too big.  But if I were to walk into the kitchen right now, I could do something as small as "empty out bottom shelf of spice cabinet" and then walk away.  Then "wipe shelf down" and walk away.  Its a beautiful thing.  The truth is, I usually end up doing the rest of the chore.  Hey, it works for me.


Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next

December 23 - New Name / December 24 - Everything's OK / December 25 - Photo

December 23 – New Name 
Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

At one time, I would have answered with my middle name.  It was supposed to be my birth name, and I've always wondered what my life would be like with that name.  Now, I don't care.  I didn't change my name when I married.  I am my name, I am who I am, and would not ever pretend to be someone else to meet you.

* * * * * * * * * *

December 24 – Everything’s OK 
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

One balmy early morning, my husband and I went outside to complete a loop around the reservoir.  We glanced at the clouds growing heavy and dark, but continued on our way as they carried no threat.  I cranked up my iPod, stretched less than I should and took off with my husband already ages ahead of me.  I felt a little sad that he wouldn't keep pace with me, but didn't say anything because I wanted him to enjoy his exercise.  I also thought to myself how we were really not in pace in our real life, we were fighting a lot and stressed out about dumb stuff.  And so we both ran, seperately, trying to sort the things in our heads to make sense of them.

As I rounded the reservoir, approaching the half way point, the sky filled with a jagged arc of light and a crack I heard through Def Leppard.  The sky was purple black, with rolling clouds.  I saw my husband stop and turn towards me, his face a mix of surprise and anxiety.  To return home, our only choice was to finish the loop.  I picked up speed, turning off my iPod and tucking it into my top as it began to drizzle.  I caught up to him, and panted, "We'll have to run the rest of the way!"  He nodded, and we began running together.  I felt him become protective, watching for me.  I felt strong, keeping pace, aware of the danger.

The sky opened up, drenching us.  I didn't think I could do it:  I would have walked by then.  My lungs were bursting, my legs aching, but I could not stop.  He reached for my hand, and we ran, hand in hand, in the lighting and rain.  We arrived home in relief, and started talking about all the craziness of our stresses, and how much we needed each other, and in what ways.

That day, we both knew that things would be okay, as long as we were working together. 

* * * * * * * * * *

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself
Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

I made a decision to not show myself or anyone I know on here.  I'm just not ready for it.  So I can't show you some great ones, like the one of me at Christmas that my husband took that just looks like me.  So instead, I direct you to the one that I use for the header of this blog. 

I took this in the midst of the Creative Bootcamp, while driving to work, stopped at a stop light.  Over the past month, I had been taking many photos like this in the rear view mirrors.  I'm not sure why, but I was obsessed with it.  I love this photo because it feels like summer to me, I can feel the air and the freedom of summer.  The image is of the road behind me, but it appears to be the road ahead.  Which is very much me:  I'm an analyzer and a reminiscer, I look behind to give me an indication of where to go next.  

* * * * * * * * * *

Two tools to help plan the year ahead (its not too late!):

How to Conduct Your Own Annual Review

The author to the above link recommends setting aside a week to work on evaluating last year and setting goals for the next one.  Yikes.  He also attaches a handy excel spreadsheet, which I do luv.  I'm a dork and already have my year goals set up in a similar format.  Now I will go through and fill it all in, so I have to actually start doing something.  Darn it.

How to Create Your Personal Manifesto

I absolutely love the above link.  On my list of things I want to do is something very similar to something the author recommends, a vision map.  I've been collecting materials towards this image of a strong runner, an athlete, so I can place it next to my bed when I struggle to get up in the morning!   As for goals, I'm visualizing this beautiful image of collaged words in great fonts, framed and hanging in an office.  Send me your goals and I'll make you something like this!

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next

December 22 - Travel

December 22 – Travel 
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

The volcano in Iceland and a British Airways strike thwarted our plans to visit London (and I have a really cute journal that I was going to use too, darn it) so we went to New York to meet up with friends and family, and to Maine, where we stormed drove by and giggled at the Bush compound in Kennebunkport.  I flew home to see my mom, and we visited a lot of family.  Cape Cod.  Many local adventures to parks we never knew existed.  It seemed we lost a lot of time to our fruitless house search.  Highlight:  our trip to Sacramento, the art therapy conference, seeing my brother and visiting Lake Taco, er, Tahoe.  Beautiful, and will definitely go back.

This year:  the blue blue blue of Key West, a relaxing long weekend in Maine.  Visiting family often.  Road trips to New Hampshire, Vermont, Western Massachusetts, the Harbor Islands, maybe even Canada.  Adventures, photos, freedom.  I can't wait.

Included in this prompt is one tool to help plan the year ahead:
New Years Goal Questions for No Goals Creatives

I love this line from the above link:

“My what?” I said. “My goals? My career? I didn’t know I had a career.”  

Amen.  I still don't consider what I'm doing as a career, which is tough to realize because I meant it to be one, and I still retain hopefulness that it could be part of one.  But I am not sure how.  And so I love this prompt:

1. Begin with vision: How do you imagine your best self acting and being in 2011? What is calling you to act well in the world in 2011? What images do you see and hear? How does your best self feel? Take walks with these questions. Move in them. Run with them. Practice yoga with them.

2. Yearn to learn: What does your best self hunger to learn this year to respond to that calling? What does your best self aspire to do well? Exceptionally well? What does your best self yearn to create and build this year?

3. Perform with authenticity: C’mon. We can put measurements on some things we want to accomplish. It can be helpful to define in measurable terms some indicators that you are acting on behalf of your best self. What are they? A certain number of pages of a book written? A number of exhibits of your work? A number of new client work? Greater exposure for your work? A national presence within your field?

While I'm reading these, I can feel myself answering from a different part of myself.  Like something sleeping within wakes up, curls open and blinks, realizing that these queries are directed to it.  I have this confusing feeling:  one part of me wants to sit with and move with the questions, but another part of me wants to quick capture them like I'm shouting "don't move!" while I grab my camera, but that feels so inauthentic.  So I'm going to take the author's advice, and I'll report back.  


Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next

December 20 - Beyond Avoidance / December 21 - Future Self

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. 
What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) 

Buying a house.  Moving.  Giving any identifying details on this blog.   Asking my GYN for more information.  Paying attention to my inner voice and trusting that I'm not heading in the right direction...

I would love to say yes I will do any of these things.  But I'm scared!

December 21 – Future Self. 
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Now Me,
I give you permission to enjoy this time with your husband and enjoy being free, go on as many adventures as possible, seriously crazy ones.  Explore who you are.  Explore who your husband is.  Create more.  Write.  Work set hours and come home on time.  Watch for an opportunity coming your way to go off the beaten path because the path you are taking is not working.  Keep working out, its a good thing for both of us.  Please cut back on the cheeseburgers and fries:  they are not working for us.
Love,
Future Me

Dear Younger Me,
Quit your job, right now.  Seriously, just walk away.  Go back to school, volunteer somewhere in the art field.  Volunteer with children too.  You'll figure it out.  But get the heck outta there.  And file that harassment claim.  Next, stop picking fights with your boyfriend.  He will stay with you through it all, so stop worrying so much that he will leave.  (Also, you will end up getting married, although he takes a loooong time getting there, its totally worth it).  
Stop smoking.  You will quit in a few years anyway, but its too far away.  Its not that hard, it just sucks the first day but it gets better.  You will feel better instantly.  And start working out.  It helps with the depression and anxiety and you deserve to feel better about yourself. And while you're walking away from your job:  walk away from McDonalds and Coke and sugar.  The devil, all three.
Enjoy the time you have with your family now:  it will get more complicated in the future and you will have missed this valuable time.  Especially with your brother. 
Love,
Now Me

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 19 - Healing

December 19 – Healing. 
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? 

There is something profoundly powerful about having someone bear witness to your story, and to really, actually listen to you.  There is something equally magical about realizing that you are telling your story, and allowing someone to listen.  There are certain things that I bear very close to my chest.  I tell no one.  This is learned behavior:  I tried to tell people before, and felt judged, or it was used later against me.  I never felt viewed as a whole person whose perspective is inherently valuable.  I felt flawed and shamed.

Through a very unique relationship with a woman who I suspect understands me because our stories are mirrored, I've been telling my story through bits and pieces, left monthly along with tears that inevitably come as a shocking and refreshing surprise.  Inevitably, I look up and find that I am not being regarded in disgust or being shunned.  And so, a little bit more comes forward.  I may not always completely trust her, and am ready to jump up and run at a moments notice.  But, it was during one of these meetings that it occurred to me that I didn't feel shame any more.  And another meeting, when she cried right with me the tears that I ached to have someone cry with me. 

This is healing.  And so next year, another step forward.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 17 - Lesson Learned / December 18 - Try

December 17 – Lesson Learned. 
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I can do it.  I can do much more than I ever thought I could.

December 18 – Try. 
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

Last year, as part of my 25 Things To Do for Winter, my husband and I created lists of things we wanted to accomplish this year.  Wow, what a great thing to go over - there were a lot more successes than I anticipated.  Reading it made me feel that it didn't matter if the things that weren't accomplished were not accomplished.  Some things needed to happen before other things could, and that's okay. 

With that said, not accomplished:

• The never-ending house saga
• Which impacted our planned travel to NH and Vermont
• And networking - I'm not so good at the networking.  Its a stretch for me, to put myself out there - so when I come home tired or I have too many stressful things to handle, making the stretch is even further.  So I don't do it.  
• I didn't learn how to sew clothes, but eh, not that big of a deal.  

Things accomplished that I'm super proud of:

• I took the week between Christmas and New Years off (I forgot I wrote down that I should do that!  Good advice, self.)  We've traveled and adventured a lot this year.
• I've been steadily getting my stress levels under control, and I am becoming more physically active and healthier than I have ever been.
• I paid off half of my student loans (even though my pay is the pits, just thought I'd throw that out there) and I received my mental health counselor license (and am close to my certification as an art therapist!)
• And we know what we want, house wise.  If it isn't here, we're just about ready to go out and find it.

So this next year, its about taking all of this and continuing it.  And going out to find the next step.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 16 - Friendship

December 16 – Friendship. 
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

This is the one that is the hardest to write.  I am lucky to have two best friends, who I have known since middle school and have gotten to reconnect again with in adulthood.  I consider them both to be amazing people.  We are so different and so very deeply alike.  I respect and love them deeply.  One of my dearest friends has been struggling after the loss of her father.  One has recently discovered that she is pregnant.  I didn't realize that both would hit me in secretly painful places.  I didn't realize that this would make it so difficult to be friends with them.  I tried to hide, I tried to withdraw:  one friend reached out with her own pain and seemed to know exactly where to hit to hurt me when really she just wanted me to support her.   I couldn't find the words to tell her that I was also hurting, and that she was hurting me, and that I didn't know how to stop her hurting even though I felt like I should have the power to do so.  I couldn't tolerate it, and felt deeply shamed.  The other has had to play intermediary and work to seek me out, when she just wants to experience this joy with someone who would get the newness of it all.  I didn't want to tell her that I am jealous, that I feel I am going to lose her to mommyhood, that I want to be part of that strange sorority, and that what is happening to her is nothing short of simply amazing.  And because I was hiding from my own pain, I couldn't figure out how to set it aside to just be with them.  But I'm working on it.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 15 - 5 Minutes

December 15 – 5 Minutes. 
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. 

In thinking of alarms, I start this with my own alarm clock, the best purchase of 2010.  My winter mornings are started with a steadily building glowing light that begins a half hour before I am due to wake, tricking my brain into thinking the sun is rising.  On alarm, steel kettle drums signal that its time to pull on my workout clothes, grab my iPod and greet the treadmill (or before it snowed, head outside to the reservoir).  This ritual is how I keep myself from slipping into the winter blues; this is the first year I've really pulled myself free from this muck and mire.  I don't want to forget it, because I do, fast - and then I'm back there again. 

This was the year that we started moving towards next steps:  we fought and discussed and compromised and cried over house searches, cars, jobs, and babies.  We've had nine different rental cars, we've seen hundreds of houses, and we know we want to be closer to family but right now, but career wins.  Family visited:  my mom, my grandparents, his parents.  We visited family.  I went to a conference.  A job offer, denied, but not before weeks of terrible anxiety.  We went on adventures, seeking hidden treasures and taking tons of photos.

Lessons learned:  When you feel that upset about something, it isn't right (thanks mom, for pointing that out).  Sugar is no good for you.  Take cars to the dealer.  Oil heat sucks.  You need to actually like the house you are buying, because you'll be sending a big fat mortgage check for it every month (that one is from my F-I-L).  Return to Lake Tahoe (Lake Taco!) because its beautiful.  Keep traveling.  There is a network of powerful, gentle, amazing women who want to support you.  Laughter and silliness is a necessity.  And we love each other very much. 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 13 - Action

December 13 - Action. 
When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

Yikes, right, what's my next step?  I have no idea.  That's the problem.

This year I accomplished many of the things I set out to do.  Yay, me.  I am now a licensed mental health counselor, and I'll send away my application for my art therapy license soon.  I will study and take the test to become a Board Certified Art Therapist.  I have become much more active than I ever have, and want to run a 5K.  I will travel a lot next year.  We will keep looking for a house, and we will keep trying to start our little family.  But these all feel like things already set in motion.  I want to take this year to another level.  But I don't know how.  I feel like there is this something else I'm supposed to be doing, but I have no idea what it is, much less how to get there.  Maybe figuring that out is the next step. 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 14 - Appreciate

December 14 – Appreciate. 
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

Community and connections.  I've written already about building connections locally, but it occurs to me that I don't thank the people who actually read what I write, and how much it means to me.  When I click "publish" after receiving a comment, I bounce around my apartment and chatter away about different ideas I want to write about, and things I want to say.  It makes me feel good.  So, thank you. 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 12 - Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration 
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

My philosopher husband would cite Descartes as being to blame for the fact that we have a mind-body separation at all, and he would talk animatedly about the development of time and its influence on the demise of the principle of "I am body."  Being integrated means having no awareness of now-ness, no awareness of a difference between self and others and the world.  The world is one living, breathing organism, with you a non-divisible component.  Time is a construct, it does not exist.  Theoretically, you can't have a cohesive YOU without dropping the constructs of mind, body, time, present or you.

In a way, it is almost too late to be able to have a moment where there is no mind and body.  We are all too aware of time, and the way we view ourselves has morphed into seeing our mind and body as separate things.   To try to be a cohesive YOU is an unfair task.  Eh, but go ahead and argue with me because I hold out for the possibility.  And then I will direct you to debate it out with my resident philosopher.  I guess that a fair way to answer this question would be to identify when each of these elements was perfectly synced so I felt the most balanced, in rhythm, in tune. 

And I would answer, honestly, no.  I could say that it was when I was running:  but I am all too aware of the awkwardness of my body, the pain in my left calf and the laboring of my breath, I know I have fifteen minutes before I have to get in the shower and out the door.  I have brief seconds when I am completely in tune, and then I realize it and its gone.  But I love those moments, when I'm running and thinking "I'm running!  I'm breathing!  I'm running!" 

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 11 - 11 Things

December 11 – 11 Things 
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Overdoing.  Like of course, I had to make a complete list with little blurbs for everything.  But I can edit, I don't need to see every house on the market to know what I want and what fits, I don't have to read every book, or track down every piece of information on a topic, or do every last step or even identify every last thing that I shouldn't overdo...I can edit.
2. Overthinking.  I paralyze myself and accomplish nothing by overthinking everything.  I can just get it done.
3. Unrealistic Expectations, aka The Need for Things to Be Perfect.  Example, I don't need an art studio to make art.  I just need to make art.
4. Putting Things Off.  Tasks seem too big or time feels too short, but I can break tasks down and do a bit here or there.  Plus, check out #5.
5. Digital Media.  I watch too much TV and spend too much time on the internet.  I could read books and craft and clean and other wacky things like that.
6. Grudges and unresolved conflict.  Yep.  That. 
7. Sugar.  I've been off sugar for six months (eh, with little splurges) but I feel a million times better without it.
8. Depression.  I am so done with depression.  Be gone!
9. Debt.  Down with Sallie Mae!  Plus, we're paying off our car loan this year! 
10. Fear.  Okay, some fear is good.  Like, being afraid of big game animals is probably a good idea.  But making decisions based on fear (or not making decisions) is not okay.  
11. Piles.  I don't know if I'll ever get rid of the clutter, but maybe I can do something about the piles of crap I have everywhere.

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 10 - Wisdom

December 10 – Wisdom. 
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

The wisest decision I made this year was one that those who would have been most impacted by my decision knew nothing about, but it influenced everything about my relationships with those people.  If you've been reading, you may remember that I was offered another job making quite a bit more money, and I decided to turn that job down.  Just reading that makes me cringe.  Every once in awhile, I kick myself and feel stupid for making the decision.  I say that the drive was too far, the populations too diverse, the parking too sparse, the timing not right.  And this is all true, but jeez I make so little money.

The truth is, I didn't want to leave because I was smack in the middle of relationships with clients that I had spent years building.  I was seeing the fruits of my work - and I was also learning the failures of my efforts.  Both are necessary to learn.  I was also building relationships with people I work with, I was starting to set down roots, and all of this was making me afraid, and so I wanted to run.  Conversely, I was also very afraid of the new position.  I envisioned it like a mountain I was not ready to climb (and wow, it would have been a lot of driving).  In turn, it allowed me to see that my own mountain was slightly less daunting, albeit woefully underpaid.

Several times a week, I think, 'wow, I would have missed this moment with this person'.  I teared up at our holiday party, my heart squeezed when a teenage girl called me for support, when another emailed me because she knew I would be there, when a woman stumbled forward in telling her story.  This is the difficulty in my field:  people trust that we will be there.  I found myself thinking that this was a wise choice, to stay.  Still, I worry because I will need to leave soon.  I just hope that I will feel it is a wise choice then, as I know it will be a painful one. 

So I continue to grapple with the same question:  how do we get to both make a living wage and do what is fulfilling?  Often I think I am not so wise.  I often can't tell the difference:  what decisions do I make that are fear based or out of insecurity?  when am I too involved and need to step back?  I don't know.

ps.  I know I'm behind in posting these, but I'm working on it!

Join Here:  Reflect on this year & manifest what's next
 

December 8 - Beautifully Different / December 9 - Party

I'm posting these together because they are both terribly awkward to answer.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. 
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

There is an expressive therapy activity where you collage magazine images, and then you speak from the collage, starting with "I am one who."  So I begin this with, I am one who finds the word beautiful uncomfortable.  I am one who doubts that I light people up.  But I am one who wants to be both, as I consider them the same. 

I feel that I am simple, plain, thoughtful, introspective.  Funny, athletic, encouraging, idealistic, creative and a lot of other words.  I have always seen myself as water, flowing around, slowly wearing away, changing things quietly.  I think big, very big, but feel squashed, stuck all the time because I have no place to put all those big ideas.  When I am excited, I gesture and dance around.  I think I am good at putting people at ease, I think people are comfortable around me.  I am patient.  I like to make eye contact and smile.  I like to help.  Yes, that's me, I like to help.  I try to be a tough ass, but I am not.  I run deep.

December 9 – Party 
Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Oh geez, I am skipping this one. 

December 7 - Community

December 7 – Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

For several years, finding community has been difficult for me.  I am a loner, a homebody, I do fine by myself.  I do fine with lots of people too.  But I didn't realize (or admit) that I needed people.  When we moved to Boston six years ago (wow, six years?), it was hard to be away from family, I had no job, no friends here, no direction, it was just me and my husband.  I didn't realize how much I needed community.  I went to school, I created small pockets of community here and there, but nothing lasting or fulfilling.  It involves a lot of putting yourself out there, which scares the crap out of me.  That's vulnerable land.  And so I've let this city be a lonely place.  Now, as we begin thinking about starting a family or when something as simple occurs as our car breaking down, I think again about how far away our support system is.  And so I admit, I am hungry for community.  

I realized something shocking this past year:  my job has become this for me.  I truly care about the people I work with.  When I was offered another job, the thought of leaving - despite the falling apart building, the low pay, the intense workload - made me feel like an untethered balloon.  I need this supportive, caring group right now.  I can be smart and efficient, I can also hurt and make mistakes.  

But its not enough.  I need a family base around me outside of this work family.  I need a community to make art with.  I need a supervision group that I can let my guard down with, who also use art in healing.  I want to keep building friendships.  I want to see my mom more.  Yes, I am hungry for community.  So this means that I have to keep letting myself be vulnerable and taking a lot of risks.  Yikes.  Maybe I'll keep practicing here. 

December 6 - Make

December 6 – Make. 
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The ugly truth is the thing I am making now is not "art".  I am painting wooden ornaments with inexpensive acrylic paints.  The ornaments have circle openings for pictures, and I plan to put To/From labels inside that I made in Illustrator and attach the ornaments to presents as tags.  They cost maybe $.25/each on Black Friday, the best day for craft shopping ever.  I plan to wrap my presents in paper bags, and to make bows using magazines.  That's next.

The last serious making I did was at the Art Therapy Conference in November.  I created this small kit I can carry with me to Sacramento which includes a mechanical pencil and a thin sharpie (my current favorite art supply), a small watercolor set (I didn't spend this much for this, I used 50% coupons and got a smaller one), and watercolor crayons.  I use a sample container from the Body Shop for water.  I brought my altered book/sketch book, and during the opening sessions of the conference, I sat and created while I listened.  The conference had an open studio space, which I took advantage of one morning after a presentation.  And I created these:

I've been trying to find a time to create between, during or after clients.  I try to schedule time after work.  I try to make time during the weekends.  Nothing works.  Space is incredibly limited, and there is always something else to do.  I have a sketchbook full of things I want to make, from the scrapbooks I plan to finish to the potholders I want to sew to the ATC and altered bookmaking I need creative play time for.  As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to realize that I need to sign up for classes or groups or studio space outside my home and work.  I'm also making the commitment to work on projects the week after Christmas.  I have to!

December 5 - Let Go

December 5
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Today I realized that over this past year, I have let go of a lot of shame.  I am less ashamed of who I am, how I look, where I come from and who I come from.  I'm beginning to view things from a more objective point of view, and am hopeful for the day I might be able to say the things I need to say to the person I need to say them to.  And maybe I'm finally letting go of that grudge, and all the hurt that accompanies it.

But right now, I need the guidance to NOT let go of a good friend who I also can't find the right words to express all the hurt I feel while honoring her own pain.    

December 3 – Moment / December 4 - Wonder

December 3
Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

The parking lot was littered with holes, tucked off a grassy gravel road that ran near our favorite beach, the one where we got engaged.  He maneuvered our car gingerly, body tight, anxious at the thought of a broken axle.  Warnings were plastered everywhere:  beware of thieves, leave no valuables.  We gathered our special bag and GPS, I pulled on an old pair of sneakers and rolled up my too-long jeans, hiding my purse at the far reaches of the trunk.  We shrugged at the signs, throwing worried glances at each other, and plunged into the path, finding ourselves surrounded by oceans of long, gracious grasses, gently rippling as if alive.

We echoed the breath of the vegetation, the sun reaching our bare heads and bathing everything golden.    The GPS guided us to our destination, hidden past upended trees, roots as large as our bodies frozen in their life state, forever vertical.  We watched as tides stole silently beneath the silent grasses, filling the marsh with salty, rushing lakes, a small murmur the only indication of the change.  The thrill of our wandering gathered itself in my belly and I began to bend and flow, like the ocean, the grasses, the trees above us, rustling slowly, lazily as the sun sunk low in the sky.  Soon we would be pressured to hurry, we had taken too much time and needed to get back to our defenseless car.  We had a long ride home.  Things to do.  Dinner to eat.

And in a surge, the energy in my belly exploded in a laughter that propelled my body forward and I began running along the trails, jumping like a deer over the tree roots and around corners.  I heard a whoop behind me, as my husband began running in step behind me.  We were laughing, salt tears falling from our eyes, our feet flying only slightly faster than our joyous bodies.  We were flying, soaring, gliding.

December 4:
Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

We went on adventures.  This is how I have so many photos for my blog.  This is how we kept our sanity.  We are hide and seekers.  We are finders.  We have a keen sense for where things are hidden, and a new obsession to find them.  We are puzzle solvers and number crunchers.  We are adventurers.  More to come on this later.

http://www.reverb10.com/the-prompts/