I've been feeling a bit down lately, wanting things that don't seem to be working out, and feeling like time is just slipping away. My priorities seem one way in one situation, and completely different in another. I start making plans to march one direction and then get confused, wonder what I was thinking, and become stalemated.
I want nothing to do with this computer, although I keep looking towards it remembering what I was involved in, but it doesn't seem quite right. I've dropped my art projects. I feel winter coming, even though its months away.
And this damn job, why do I keep doing it? When I'm there, its all encompassing; when I'm away, its meaningless and risky. It feels like a false purpose that doesn't fill me up when I'm out of the running.
We all just want meaning and purpose in our lives, connections with other people, to use our best selves to make a contribution while being accepted for our basic selves. I spend a lot of time doing that for others, but don't seem to really have it for myself. I need sunshine, time, breathing space, family, my love. Balance.
Tomorrow I get more testing done to figure out what is up with my hormones, and to see if we can get any closer to having a baby. I'm afraid: of my potential as mother, for the health of this baby, for my relationship, and mostly for the possibility of no baby, and so I march forward.
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