try, try again

I could be setting myself up for it, but I'm going to try this again.

Hello, internet.

Okay, so I haven't really done too much to spruce up, but I did change the masthead.  Maybe I'll get wacky and try to change it monthly.  Its so darn easy to do.  The truth is, I like it here, writing posts that I'm not sure if anyone will ever read, organizing my thoughts and finding a reason to bring it together, reaching some sort of synthesis when sometimes things just don't make sense.  And they usually don't seem to make much sense.

Perhaps that's what happened over these many months.  Everything backed up on me, and nothing ceased to make much sense.  I was working way too much, I'm supervising an intern, my own supervisor has retired, my caseload has exploded and I'm finding myself to be fairly in demand with a terrible case of unable-to-say-no's.  The pace has become ridiculous, like running on a treadmill that has gone haywire.  But I feel clear today, I feel caught up, things are clean, I've been making art.  And I will return to work tomorrow and just know it will all disappear again despite my best intentions.

Well, let's give a moment to the best intentions - there is something about putting something in writing that may make it more likely to become so.

I'm continuing to read a book a week, and plan to make one small piece of art a week.  I'm in the process of creating a book to house the project.  The optimist in me thinks I should create a post with pictures to show you.  I've updated some of my art journal, and we finally got a scanner so I can hopefully bring this up to date.  I still have oodles left to do in it though.  And I did the 21 Secrets Workshop, but didn't even get to watch the videos for some of them.  Sigh, oh well, I will keep working on that too.  I unearthed these two sketch books that I had been keeping, and have put them in an accessible place.  In one, I wrote:

I'm supposed to be
Doing something-
But I don't know
What;
And I am too
Afraid to do it.

I can't help but look back at where I left off, and notice that its purely fear that got in my way.  I had stepped forward into joining an ever growing artist community, and that left me bare and up for critique.  I couldn't handle it.  So I withdrew into my work, as it is a great source of blame and allows me some measure of distance as I get to hide behind professionalism.  And as I write that, I wonder, why can't I be professional about my art, and give myself the same allowances?  I also wrote:

A secret, shy image may have surfaced only to be scared away by the viciousness of those staring in its quiet face.

I am sad at the number of shy images I may have scared away over these past many months.  Images that may have helped me understand or grow.  But growing is scary.  Then I have to take on what I am perhaps not ready for.  I guess it doesn't matter - it seeks us out anyway.  And I need to create like I need to breathe.

So here it is, I try again.