Creative Bootcamp: Day Twelve - Smile

I struggled with the word "smile."  So I let the word smile become "hope" because those words are synonymous to me. 

During graduate school, our teachers often referred to our primary job as clinicians to be holders of hope.  Often our clients are stuck, life changes numerous and insurmountable, symptoms all consuming and painful.  And the truth is that life can suck, and suck big.  That's the reality that we sit with, hour after hour.  Add to that the pressures of short-term therapy pushed on us by insurance companies, well-meaning but ignorant family members, parents looking for quick fixes, and a lifetime of terrible things, holding onto hope is an impossible task.  I want to walk away often.

And then a client says something like "I am doing so much better!" or a child who used to hide under his hoodie is playing ball with you and talking about how angry he is.  I can't begin to tell you what a moment it is to think "holy crap, holy crap, we're talking about feelings, feelings!"  These are profound, fleeting moments.  Sometimes I can see those moments coming; I want to shout "I knew it!" and to tell everyone to be patient and trust the process.  But then I forget to trust the process, and I get impatient, and I forget those moments will come.  I judge myself according to other's eyes, not my own trained ones.



The truth is, it is very hard to hold the hope.  I feel achy inside most of the time, and I worry about all my clients constantly and feel guilty when I don't.   But during the bootcamp, I felt good.  I left work on time, and came home to fill myself back up again.  I looked out for the small changes, the little victories.  When I make, I feel good, even when I'm dealing with the big stuff.  Because art making is about trusting the process.  If I can trust one, I can trust the other.  Making art gives me hope.

And to make the commitment:

• I promise to spend 5 minutes each day creating. 
• I promise to talk about my creativity with others.
• I promise to continue to challenge myself creatively because that is how I get better. 
• I promise to be kind to my creative spirit.
• I promise to applaud my achievements.
• I promise to cultivate relationships with people who share my creative interests.
• I promise to call myself an artist.

I started to write that the biggest thing that I don't know how to change yet is incorporating the "art" into art therapist.  The truth is I can do that in my present setting, in small ways.  I can, but hold myself back.  Maybe I don't trust the process yet.  Maybe I have to be connected to one to take it to the next level.