oh baby

"Babies freak me out."

Why did I blurt this out during a staff meeting, to the horrified look of the former child and family therapist slash recent mother? Maybe because the baby was making its rounds to me and everyone was in that baby stupor cooing and oohing while I could feel a rising panic that made me want to sit on my hands and look everywhere but baby so they wouldn't put it in my arms. Maybe because my supervisor decided to announce my co-worker's early pregnancy (oh, the poor etiquette on that one) and I needed to break the awkward silence. And maybe because all I've been thinking about lately is, "is it time to have a baby and what would I do with it?"

I'm not going to lie, I hate holding other people's babies. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and I want to give it back instantly. I remember playing with my baby cousin and I have a little brother (although I don't remember him as a baby, I don't think I was keen on his addition to our family), but I've never had much interactions with babies. I get freaked out when they cry, I hate it when they get hiccups, and they are so wiggly, I could drop them at any minute. Ugh and their soft heads. But besides all this, I love babies and think they are absolutely adorable. Except when they scream. I can't help but think that the love part is hormone induced and the rest is pure logic. We're supposed to be drawn to and want to take care of babies, because they can't take care of themselves. But why do we force babies into the arms of people who don't want to hold them? And why is there always the one baby hog who can't give the baby back? Oh, and while we're on it, why do people touch pregnant women? That is so wrong.

Maybe there is something in that. Why is it that when women are pregnant it is perfectly fine to touch them with a full hand on their bellies without their permission? And babies cry for a reason: maybe they don't want to be touched and cuddled by every random person. Something about pregnancy and babies makes people violate boundaries. I did some research and found that there are mothers who don't want people to hold their babies at all. The belief is that by always holding the baby, it makes it feel more secure. Not to mention, all those grody adults with their unwashed hands carrying diseases that their bodies are already used to. And now that I think about it, who would bring a three week old to a mental health clinic anyway?

The truth is, I would be a fine mother. I love children, and for the most part, they are cool with me. I'm fairly trustworthy, and have a decent moral compass. I know about things like how to swaddle a newborn and hold a bottle; poop, vomit and snot, I am not so comfortable with. I guess I would get over it. I'm 100% certain I will give my children complexes, as I would ask them how they feel and discuss punishments with them in a calm voice until I freak out and scream at them when they don't listen. Ah, see, I like children who can talk and walk, smile and laugh, cry and become potty trained. The other truth: I have a lot of respect for the baby and its ability to get its needs met while scaring unnecessaries away. So maybe we should honor the baby and its noble wishes.

So why do I get so freaked out around babies? Is it because they are so vulnerable and I am a big mess of not knowing which cry is for pain and which is for food? Is it because it makes me question my role as a woman, my ticking biological clock, and the genetic potluck of my husband and I? Are we sociologically programmed to respond to babies in this ooey gooey manner, and by holding a baby we are somehow doing our female duty (look at me, I hold good baby) and I am a miserable failure? Or maybe because holding a baby makes me feel sad, because I wanted babies many years ago, and I'm worried its too late. Maybe its as simple as the fact that I am not really interested in people I don't know and their newborns and their poor ability to decide appropriate places to bring babies, and certainly don't want to snatch it up for my own satisfaction while they watch me cuddle and love a child who is not my own. Its all about me; it has nothing to do with baby.

Things I do know: When and if I decide to have children, I will not be telling my supervisor I am pregnant until she needs to know, I will not take my baby to work and let it be passed around to people I don't love, and if anyone touches my pregnant belly, I will punch them.