ABAW:13

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week.  I'm falling behind in everything I am doing, drowning in a desperate pile of paperwork, staring woefully at my art projects across the room, and stacking up a list of to do items that is becoming laughable.  At this point, I'm just sitting back and twistedly watching to see how bad it can get.  Eh, what else can you do, huh?

I've been feeling trapped, obligated.  Obligated.  Observing that my needs aren't being met, and my roles are becoming confused.  I'm not growing, I'm learning but in fits and starts.  I am undervalued.  I help others do better than I have a hope of doing right now.  Things are twisted and backwards.

A big argument last night brought up hurtful, truthful observations.  I'm afraid of making a change.  I work too much.  I bring home too little money.  We are not making steps towards our goals, and I am not helping.  All the idealistic views in the world are not helping me take a real look at the reality of what I need to do. 

And so I need to set priorities:  unearth myself from the wastefulness of paper, begin applying for jobs and asking for what I am worth and do what needs to be done for my little family needs to grow.  Start a retirement fund.  Clean the damn apartment.  And somewhere in there, find a little place for art making - to not forget that I have needs that have to be met.