ABAW: 22 - 26

A long, long month.  I have no idea how I've kept reading.  But here it is. 

I swear I thought Nora Roberts wrote more supernatural stuff.  This was not that at all.  Something about love, cougars, and a psychotic dude.  Eh. 

The next book was quite lovely and made me all moody and teary.  About the daughter of a man with major chronic depression.  She seeks to understand how her genetics influence who she is, and ends up completely off path, numb from her feelings.

I finally finished the Happiness Project, which to be honest was so-so.  I enjoyed the beginning, the conceptualization of her project and the outlining of her intent.  I did not like when she started to include blogger comments, and then didn't integrate them at all.  And how she would do some tasks in a half assed way, and give herself credit for them.  I guess I didn't connect with the person I was reading about.  Or maybe I'm just cranky.  Nah - I wanted her to go deeper, and I felt she just kept skimming the surface of things. 

Perhaps that's the thing with our search for happiness:  I believe its just a fleeting feeling in the midst of a hundred other ones, all equally valid and rich.  When we make happiness into a project, we further remove ourselves from the real feeling and instead make it into a task to complete.  Even now I am thinking of the many projects I've started and not completed, of my true priorities, of how I spend my time, and what I want from it.  And with that, steps further and further from the rawness of my feelings.

Things are tricky right now.  I'm taking on many more responsibilities at work, which requires me to fully understand what I do, be able to communicate it, and also puts me at risk for increased criticism, which I hate.  I'm also learning so much.  And getting angry at myself for not being further in my career, for not making more money, for lots of dumb things that come up when I compare myself to others.  I recognize I have something there to process, and I'm not at all.  I know I'm changing exponentially daily, each week brings a slightly different me, altered by what I am doing in a way that I am unrecognizable to myself. 

One thing I have learned is that I am a pretty scrappy gal.  I am self-sufficient, I make due with nothing, and ask for less.  While I'm proud of that, maybe that's not the smartest way to operate.  Maybe I need to ask for more - a lot more.  I need to reconceptualize how I see "work", and I desperately need to figure out why I am addicted to work.  Lie:  I know why I am addicted, I need to get my own treatment for it.  But I am stuck - I love to learn, to research, to have a billion things to do and think about.  I'm doing the same thing that I critique in the Happiness Project:  I'm actively ignoring my own feelings and shoving myself into a project, hoping its authentic and worthy.

Surely it is?  Right?

Ultimately, its irrelevant.  I should be doing a good job, I should be offering a service that my clients are contracting for.  If I want to get paid more, I need to set up a business and exchange fees appropriate for that service.  I should engage in learning, teaching, consulting.  But I question the undercurrent that I know what is best, that someone knows what is best.  I know there are standards for ethics, legal parameters around confidentiality, and basic codes for treating another human being.  But when do I say enough is enough:  the drugs you are using are killing you, the decisions you are making are tearing your life apart, the way you are treating your partner/child/friends is abusive?  The way you are treating me is abusive.   

And this is where I realize that I myself need some education.  I need to face my own block if I am to offer that level of service I want to offer:  in other words, to move forward in my own project, I have to face my feelings.  And I've got a lot of them, and I don't like them.  I have to speak them, and it feels out of control and reminds me of the vast, cavernous empty places that we all have, that we all fill as best we can.  But I do know that speaking of them, staring them in their apparent infiniteness, makes them diminish and disappear.  And so I'm ready.

And those other books?  I figured I should be giving myself credit for all those 'dry' books I read.  I'm working my way through a big stack, learning how to be a better supervisor (or to quell my anxiety).  One thing that sticks out to me is that I need to be so very aware of the dynamics and influences of others, both actively connecting to and then moving past my own responses.  This job, it forces me to think so very deeply, and like water wearing down stone, alters me.  I keep asking, "is it worth it?"

I keep waiting for something to tug at me from another direction, watching for something to help me make sense of it all.  I keep noticing all these little white feathers that seem to find their way right where my feet step and wondering where they come from.  I wonder who will I be at the other end?  Its rushing by so fast, I want to dig my heels in and stop it.  But the rush, the rush I like.  After this speed, slowing down is just too slow.  And there is the sickness.  So I focus on the signs, the reasons, the excuses, and press a little harder on the gas.

ABAW: 20 & 21

My husband and I have been watching this British TV series, Survivors.  I love me anything apocalyptic or post-apocalyptic, although it freaks the hell out of me, and gives me nightmares.  Especially zombie nightmares, ugh.  This one is a relief:  no zombies.   

I've been feeling a bit down lately, wanting things that don't seem to be working out, and feeling like time is just slipping away.  My priorities seem one way in one situation, and completely different in another.  I start making plans to march one direction and then get confused, wonder what I was thinking, and become stalemated. 

I want nothing to do with this computer, although I keep looking towards it remembering what I was involved in, but it doesn't seem quite right.  I've dropped my art projects.  I feel winter coming, even though its months away. 

Is this depression?  I'm a therapist, I should know, but when I'm in it, I never quite know. 

And this damn job, why do I keep doing it?  When I'm there, its all encompassing; when I'm away, its meaningless and risky.  It feels like a false purpose that doesn't fill me up when I'm out of the running. 

We all just want meaning and purpose in our lives, connections with other people, to use our best selves to make a contribution while being accepted for our basic selves.  I spend a lot of time doing that for others, but don't seem to really have it for myself.  I need sunshine, time, breathing space, family, my love.  Balance.

Tomorrow I get more testing done to figure out what is up with my hormones, and to see if we can get any closer to having a baby.   I'm afraid:  of my potential as mother, for the health of this baby, for my relationship, and mostly for the possibility of no baby, and so I march forward.

ABAW: 19

I'm sitting here this evening watching "Its Kinda A Funny Story," a movie about a teenager who spends a week on an inpatient unit after feeling suicidal, and, of course, not only makes a big impact on the other patients and falls in love with the girl, but is able to start finding happiness. I like it, I'm not going to lie. But its definitely not like that. Perhaps that's the message: be incredibly thankful and give back.

I've been thinking a lot about how to connect my clients to community, to create something bigger than this day to dayness of therapy, something lasting that gives back. Something big. Something that allows all parts to be involved in their most impactful ways. I met a girl today who sparked this idea to start a magazine, to have editors and writers and art, lots of it, drawings, photography. How? And then I keep thinking about the blandness of our waiting room, and the absolute necessity of a mural there. How? An open studio. An art show. Mentors, jobs, places where people fit. How?

I know this blog is growing quieter and quieter, but something big is developing.  A shift to a new site perhaps, a different type of blogging, I'm not sure.  I wish I could describe the feeling of what is happening in the dark recesses of my brain, like tumblers in a lock falling into place.  

ABAW: 17 & 18

Every once in awhile I get overwhelmed by the bigness of things.  And on the flip side, I give myself big, almost impossible tasks, set goals really high, and usually meet them (that's a big thing I just admitted there!).  But I still get overwhelmed.  And then I pull back, withdraw, beat myself up until I finally get back in the game.  Sometimes it feels strategic:  when I pull back, I seem to come up with a new, better, clearer way of approaching this impossible task I've subjected myself to.  At least, that's how I'm spinning it.

Lately I've been thinking about the enormity of the blogosphere.  There are so many voices, so many posts, so many links.  My brain ceased to be able to take it in.  I certainly couldn't keep up with my reader, much less give comments, or do the challenges I signed myself up for.  I didn't want to touch my computer.  And then I realized I was overwhelmed by the channels on the TV, the items I had DVR'd, the items I had on my Netflix list.  And then there is my pile of books.  And the ideas I have and tasks I've given myself to do in my art making.  Nothing could touch the to do list I have at work.  I'm overwhelmed.  Completely totally overwhelmed.  Maybe this is me realizing what depression looks like for me, as its descending.  Usually I don't know until I'm in the black and I just have to ride it out.

But I've been doing some thinking, and some art making, and its still important to me to post it here.  And I've been doing mega-thinking about what I want to do with this space:  I feel like I can't share it because of my job.  But I want to start developing a professional persona, building my business so that I have more control and do the work I want to do without being completely buried under paperwork.  And I have this voice I've discovered.  I want to share my own lived experience. 

So I'm thinking.  Apologies for the absence, but I needed it. 

And for this Book A Week challenge I've set for myself:  I've read 17 books so far, but 28 weeks have gone by.  I have so many half read books, stacks and piles.  And wow, I'm reading some amazing books. 

21: Becoming Brave

I thought I'd share another one of my projects completed under the tutelage of the brilliant teachers at 21 Secrets, an series of online art journaling workshops.  This latest was called Becoming Brave, and we were guided through the creation of a small tabbed journal.  Images and thoughts below...but first, I thought I'd share my own steps towards Becoming Brave:  First,  I added a profile image on this website, primarily because I needed one for an interview I did about art therapy and art journaling.  And second, I did an interview!  Do read it here, I'm hella proud. 

Each of the following pages were cut out of cardstock, and are tabbed.  The left image is the front, and the right image is the back.  I made holes and tied a gold string through the holes (see image above).  Blank pages can be inserted between the tabs for journaling, and the project can be modified easily for any sections you wanted.  Love the idea of breaking up your journaling into sections.  Me, I have a birthday coming up and so I wanted to identify my goals for my new year.

fearless in ... BODY

I've mentioned before that something is seriously screwy with my hormones, and I'm really struggling to get my body regulated, and trying to find a doctor to help seems so very hard.   I want to get strong, be healthy and find good answers about my body, but I am most afraid to speak up when it comes to dealing with medical issues.

I primed this one with lots of purple paint, added an image transfer of a woman's body - and you can see the words "feeling hormonal."  This transfer was absolutely beautiful, it had a soft purple-y glow.  Then this image of the perfect Barbie - I look at her and hate her.  On the flip side of this page, I included an image of a woman doing planks - I love planks!  More words.

fearless in ... WORK

Work is so ridiculously overwhelming.  I'm having a hard time letting old concepts about work go (running a race that is not worth running) - there is something much more fundamental about what I have to offer.  And I don't think its being appreciated or rewarded, and so I am trying to not only find the inherent value in what I do but advocate for it.  Maybe from here, I'll figure out my next step.

On the back, I found this image of a ward of sick people, all staring at the camera, and covered it with an image of paintbrushes.  On the front, I found this cave painting - I did a thick matte medium on it to do an image transfer.  And added the words.

fearless in ... LOVE

I hold my relationship precious.  Right now, it is him and me.  I want us to build a nest together.  I want there to be one more.  

For this one, I did an image transfer of the birds in the hand, and wrapped it around the square.  As I was doing all the image transfers, they picked up paint from the table I was working on, and look so darn cool.  The image was so strong, and the colors just right - I added the words, and drew a little picture.

fearless in ... LIFE

This is one I still don't get completely (art making is awesome like that).  If you start at the back, there is an image of a fish jumping out of its pond, and the phrase "the how, and when of making it happen", leaping towards the front of the image which has a pile of books, all on a background of lush mountainside.  I know I am plotting a move, I know that I want many things to happen, but I'm not sure how to do any of it.  I also know I have this secret dream of getting my PhD....

ABAW:14-16

Maybe you've noticed that I've been missing.  Maybe not - gosh, I wish I knew more about who was reading and why.  I apologize, I'm just not a pre-planned poster.  This is what you get!

My husband and I had the luck to be invited to a wedding located in the Florida Keys, a place on my bucket list!  I've always wanted to see that arm of islands stretching out into the blue sea.  It was a lovely trip, one in which we reconnected, I relaxed a tiny bit, and we again fantasized about moving somewhere warmer.  I would die happy if I could live next to the beach.

Before I left, I worked crazy long hours just trying to get damn paperwork done.  I didn't get to make art, I didn't get to read, I just stayed late, I came home and did more work.  Every time I'm in it, I love it.  I feel invigorated, invested, dedicated, and yes, exhausted.  I wrap myself up in the intensity of the adrenaline, coaxing more and more out of my adrenal glands, knowing I'm paying a price.  I step away, and I realize that its crazy.  What the hell am I doing?

And then I think about all the things I know, and how being an adult child of an alcoholic influences this tendency to overwork, to have poor boundaries.  Then I disregard this, and slip right back into the comfortable insanity of being a overworked, underpaid and ridiculously idealistic therapist.  I make promises to myself to be more balanced, and then I find six hours of work in my bag to come home with me.  I bend my rules and schedule an early appointment here and a late appointment there, and think about the extra money and being needed.  My husband begins to question what happened to the brief period where I was coming home semi-on time.  I make jokes, but I feel like an a-hole. 

I don't know how to change it.  Right now, there is a part of me that absolutely loves what I am doing.  Actually a huge part.  Its fulfilling something for me, healthy or not.  But I also love making art, and writing, and reading, and I am not really doing those at all.  Am I avoiding those things?  Or do I really genuinely love what I am doing?  It seems the moment I stop to reflect, and possibly make a change, I entangle myself further.

Perhaps the question is really about what change I would actually make.  I can't think of anything more fulfilling and thought provoking, developing these strangely intimate and yet terribly separate relationships, full of meaning and frustration, pushing agonizingly through and wishing upon hope for change. 

Right before I left for vacation, I was so overworked that I felt vulnerable, my heart hurt, my poor boundaries were leading to poorer boundaries.  A good friend recommended visualizing closing the energy to my heart (the heart chakra), much like a flower closing at night.  And she's right, it works:  I need distance, balance, fulfillment.

Over vacation, I was able to read a bunch.  I loved the titles for these books:  Saving the World, When She Flew and What Was Lost.  Maybe I reached for these because they fit so well.  Maybe they reached for me.  And I feel oddly vulnerable as I post this - I've put it off wondering why I do this blog at all.  I'm not sure. 

Scavenger Hunt

This was a great photo weekend (aren't those the best?!) - we drove to NY to visit my husband's family and wow, I could have stayed another month just to take pictures.  Plus, they're pretty awesome people too. 

I've been experimenting with trying to capture sun flares - and received some great advice from Snapshots by Michele that I had to try out.   I stared at the sun a bit too much to be healthy, but discovered that I can do magical things just by changing my f-stops.

 1. SOOC - We were coming home from hiking and found this beautiful bird (crane? egret?) on the side of the road.  I used my big lens (aka Canon EF-S 55-250 mm). 

G2W: 17 (Edits) Growth

Another week of Good to Wow, where Jill of Jill Samter Photography guides us to take better SOOC photos and Ashley of Ramblings and Photos teaches us how to be better photo editors.

This week's prompt:  Growth.

My fella and I have been outside as much as possible lately, hiking through the woods and enjoying the beginning of spring.  I've been admiring all the photos that other bloggers take of buds, branches, trees and flowers, and keep trying to master them.  And so I've been taking a ton of these photos!

My edits this week are sweet and simple:  I ran all of Ashley's recommendations, and then played with some of the actions I have in PS.  Rats, and I don't remember what I did on the first one.  Hmm, see, this is why I don't write tutorials (and have all the admiration in the world for you all who do, thank you!)

21: Child's Play and Abstract Adventure

I stumbled on this amazing community of women who make gorgeous art, and was compelled when they announced an online art journaling course called 21 Secrets.  There is something wickedly decadent about the title, and the course is even better.  I wasn't sure at first (I didn't want to watch videos), and frankly, I can't keep up.  Each class could easily stand on its own and provide months of creative fodder.  The videos are awesome, and I'm totally inspired. And of course, I wanted to share what I've been up to...

G2W: 17 (SOOC) Growth

Aw man (and yes, I just wrote aw man!), I haven't been able to do all of the photography challenges I've been following along with - I think I've missed three weeks.  What have I been up to?  I have no clue:  maybe trying to keep ahead of everything, catching up at work (why are there times when I fall so far behind but nothing has really changed?), and maybe just taking a general creative break.

I've started to make some minor changes to my blog, and hope for bigger ones soon.  Its past time to pretty it up, and I'd like to make the site more welcoming to those of you who are kind enough to stop in.  As always, thank you.