ABAW:14-16

Maybe you've noticed that I've been missing.  Maybe not - gosh, I wish I knew more about who was reading and why.  I apologize, I'm just not a pre-planned poster.  This is what you get!

My husband and I had the luck to be invited to a wedding located in the Florida Keys, a place on my bucket list!  I've always wanted to see that arm of islands stretching out into the blue sea.  It was a lovely trip, one in which we reconnected, I relaxed a tiny bit, and we again fantasized about moving somewhere warmer.  I would die happy if I could live next to the beach.

Before I left, I worked crazy long hours just trying to get damn paperwork done.  I didn't get to make art, I didn't get to read, I just stayed late, I came home and did more work.  Every time I'm in it, I love it.  I feel invigorated, invested, dedicated, and yes, exhausted.  I wrap myself up in the intensity of the adrenaline, coaxing more and more out of my adrenal glands, knowing I'm paying a price.  I step away, and I realize that its crazy.  What the hell am I doing?

And then I think about all the things I know, and how being an adult child of an alcoholic influences this tendency to overwork, to have poor boundaries.  Then I disregard this, and slip right back into the comfortable insanity of being a overworked, underpaid and ridiculously idealistic therapist.  I make promises to myself to be more balanced, and then I find six hours of work in my bag to come home with me.  I bend my rules and schedule an early appointment here and a late appointment there, and think about the extra money and being needed.  My husband begins to question what happened to the brief period where I was coming home semi-on time.  I make jokes, but I feel like an a-hole. 

I don't know how to change it.  Right now, there is a part of me that absolutely loves what I am doing.  Actually a huge part.  Its fulfilling something for me, healthy or not.  But I also love making art, and writing, and reading, and I am not really doing those at all.  Am I avoiding those things?  Or do I really genuinely love what I am doing?  It seems the moment I stop to reflect, and possibly make a change, I entangle myself further.

Perhaps the question is really about what change I would actually make.  I can't think of anything more fulfilling and thought provoking, developing these strangely intimate and yet terribly separate relationships, full of meaning and frustration, pushing agonizingly through and wishing upon hope for change. 

Right before I left for vacation, I was so overworked that I felt vulnerable, my heart hurt, my poor boundaries were leading to poorer boundaries.  A good friend recommended visualizing closing the energy to my heart (the heart chakra), much like a flower closing at night.  And she's right, it works:  I need distance, balance, fulfillment.

Over vacation, I was able to read a bunch.  I loved the titles for these books:  Saving the World, When She Flew and What Was Lost.  Maybe I reached for these because they fit so well.  Maybe they reached for me.  And I feel oddly vulnerable as I post this - I've put it off wondering why I do this blog at all.  I'm not sure. 

Scavenger Hunt

This was a great photo weekend (aren't those the best?!) - we drove to NY to visit my husband's family and wow, I could have stayed another month just to take pictures.  Plus, they're pretty awesome people too. 

I've been experimenting with trying to capture sun flares - and received some great advice from Snapshots by Michele that I had to try out.   I stared at the sun a bit too much to be healthy, but discovered that I can do magical things just by changing my f-stops.

 1. SOOC - We were coming home from hiking and found this beautiful bird (crane? egret?) on the side of the road.  I used my big lens (aka Canon EF-S 55-250 mm). 

G2W: 17 (Edits) Growth

Another week of Good to Wow, where Jill of Jill Samter Photography guides us to take better SOOC photos and Ashley of Ramblings and Photos teaches us how to be better photo editors.

This week's prompt:  Growth.

My fella and I have been outside as much as possible lately, hiking through the woods and enjoying the beginning of spring.  I've been admiring all the photos that other bloggers take of buds, branches, trees and flowers, and keep trying to master them.  And so I've been taking a ton of these photos!

My edits this week are sweet and simple:  I ran all of Ashley's recommendations, and then played with some of the actions I have in PS.  Rats, and I don't remember what I did on the first one.  Hmm, see, this is why I don't write tutorials (and have all the admiration in the world for you all who do, thank you!)

21: Child's Play and Abstract Adventure

I stumbled on this amazing community of women who make gorgeous art, and was compelled when they announced an online art journaling course called 21 Secrets.  There is something wickedly decadent about the title, and the course is even better.  I wasn't sure at first (I didn't want to watch videos), and frankly, I can't keep up.  Each class could easily stand on its own and provide months of creative fodder.  The videos are awesome, and I'm totally inspired. And of course, I wanted to share what I've been up to...

G2W: 17 (SOOC) Growth

Aw man (and yes, I just wrote aw man!), I haven't been able to do all of the photography challenges I've been following along with - I think I've missed three weeks.  What have I been up to?  I have no clue:  maybe trying to keep ahead of everything, catching up at work (why are there times when I fall so far behind but nothing has really changed?), and maybe just taking a general creative break.

I've started to make some minor changes to my blog, and hope for bigger ones soon.  Its past time to pretty it up, and I'd like to make the site more welcoming to those of you who are kind enough to stop in.  As always, thank you.

Scavenger Hunt

Woo hoo!  This weekend, I took lots of great photos and seem to have enough for the Scavenger Hunt this week!  I didn't do too much editing, just the basics in Lightroom and put 'em up here!  That's a lot of exclamation points!  

1. Architecture

April Reverb: What's blossoming?: Catching Up

It doesn't hurt me.  You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill, you and me be running up that hill

Every once in awhile, I fall behind. All the things I was trying to pay attention to are placed to the side, and I have to pay attention to the practical things - catching up at work, spending good time with my husband (he gets so neglected and needs tending to), beginning our house search (again), cleaning. Ptooey to cleaning.  Getting our finances in order.  Finding money where there is none.  Paying taxes.  Coordinating schedules.  Staying late at work.  Again.  Finding ways to see our families while working overtime to make a little extra.  Maybe, hopefully.

And if I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places, 
Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building.  
If I only could, oh...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  And here is my big brave statement: I can't do it all.  Why is such a small silly statement so hard to say?  The problem is that I feel compelled to do as many things as possible because I am not happy with the way I spend the majority of my time.   It feels like I have to do triple to be fulfilled at the end of the day.  But its a reality, and that's just the way it is.  So I'll do what I can, and that's that.   I'm not quite sure why I'm saying all this but I suppose I feel guilty for not posting anything here.  This blog is terribly important to me, as are all the photography challenges and art journaling projects I've been able to follow along with through this community.  And I feel guilty to myself.  I have harbored this mind set that I am supposed to be of service, but lately I've just been feeling like an idiot.  I can be of service, and still make a decent living, and not drown in paperwork, and constantly scramble to keep things together, right?  Is that selfish?  I can never tell.  Perhaps it is:  I am deciding that to do the things I want to do, I may have to be selfish, and that's how that is.  Unfortunately.

You don't wanna hurt me, but see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder, there's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, be running up that hill, you and me, be running up that hill, you and me won't be unhappy.

This past weekend brought my favorite holiday - Patriot's Day, aka Marathon Monday!   This day is the best do-nothing holiday ever.  We don't have to do a damn thing and we get off of work.  And even better, over 20,000 people run past our apartment while college students scream all day long until they are too drunk and trickle away.  Its awesome.

I run a teeny part of the marathon route every week, and I've been watching the athletes train, sharing a little of their dedication to fuel my own mini-practice.   On the morning of the marathon, I couldn't help but take that run again.  On the quiet carriage path that runs parallel to the race route, I silently ran past hundreds of people, waiting in vigil for the first few elite runners.  I ran up the infamous Heartbreak Hill (albeit without the 20 previous miles that make it so painful), and watched families playing ball, parties being set up, rich entrepreneurial kids setting up lemonade stands, and the infamous organized sororities screaming before runners were even out of the gates, jumping up and down with their copy shop printed signs.  And I got choked up.

And if I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places, 
Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building, 
If I only could, oh...

When we moved here, we didn't know we lived on the marathon race route.  We used to get run down by the leagues of joggers that dominate these sidewalks, and laugh at them.  We were walkers, meanders.  We sat, we didn't run, and took pride in our excuse making.  The first marathon was an amazing experience:  and now we've seen five of them so far.  At the end of every one, we would say "hey maybe we should run!" and return to the couch.  So much time wasted.

The marathon marks the beginning of Spring in Boston, a significant moment for me and my seasonal depression (which has been a non-issue this winter, thanks to running).  And there is no escape from the cheers, they reach into every corner of our apartment.  There is no choice but to wander the streets, and grow inspired by the racers.  And unwittingly, become a convert.

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling, let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling, let's exchange the experience, oh...
And if I only could, make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places, be running up that road, be running up that hill, with no problems 

I've been running for almost a year now, and, in case I haven't blathered on about it enough:  it has changed me.  I am calmer, more focused, fitter, stronger, healthier, I feel better about myself, my relationship, how I do my job.  I'm not depressed.  Wow, reread that line again, because I didn't think it was possible.  I can't begin to explain how that feels, and how angry I am at myself that I didn't do this a long time ago.

So here I am beating myself up for the things I am not able to do, but I forget all the things I've stuck with and continue to do.  I also forget all the little steps it takes to make changes.  And never mind all the other little lessons:  the difficulty I have in pacing myself for the long run, how I just want to sprint really fast and run past everyone, but I run out of air and give up.  How to hold myself strong, how to fight against the power of my negative thoughts, how to breathe evenly, how to set expectations and how to exceed them.  Now all I need to do is work up the nerve to sign up for a 5K...

And as for what's blossoming:  I'm emerging from winter with a clearer head than I've ever had, I'm constantly working on art projects, we're going to travel a lot this summer, and today we put an offer down on a long-shot of a house.  Hmm, and as I complete the final edits on this post, I realize that maybe the answer to the prompt is me.  

Lyrics from Running Up That Hill, Placebo (or Kate Bush)
Marathon photos altered with TiltShift
Prompt from reverb10.com

March Reverb: Last Month / WITW

 

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine, and my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come thru the music, would you hold it near as it were your own?

Bear with me, like everything, I'm a bit late on the posting but full of good intentions.  I've been following this online initiative led by some incredibly thoughtful bloggers to encourage thinking and planning towards the development of personal goals to manifest them into becoming real.  I'm a huge fan.  They deliver monthly prompts right to your inbox that you can use for thinking, journaling, art making, and you can sign up here. 

I've been using these prompts as an opportunity to gather my thoughts and piece them together with photos taken during the month.  I think it will be cool to look back on at the end of the year.  And on to the prompt...

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken, perhaps they're better left unsung.
I don't know, don't really care. Let there be songs to fill the air.
Ripple in still water, when there is no pebble tossed, nor wind to blow.

If March 2011 was your last month to live, how would you live it?

This one is a question I periodically think about, and have been more so lately.  I'm watching friends buy houses, have babies, set up lives.  I have my education, my job, and I am certain I must make a difference in my little way.  But I need something more meaningful.  I want to make a ripple.  I want my existence to mean something.  I want a house and babies.  I want to travel the world.  I want to work with and reach as many people as possible.  Which I'm not sure I've actually thought out loud before. 

Its not possible at this time to do all of those things.  So I'm constantly compromising one for the other.  Each choice requires a gamble that plays on the odds that I have more rather than less time, that my husband and I will remain able to work, we will keep our jobs and our physical health.  On a daily basis, I learn from my clients that this gamble does not always pay off.  A hiccup can mean debt, loss, profound changes in the way you function in the world.  The first order of business for many is surviving. 

For me, I am lucky that surviving means getting up and going to work, paying my bills and putting gas in the car, buying groceries and calling my mom.  Kissing my husband, making art, keeping up with my paperwork.  If I'm able to keep doing this, I'm doing good. 

But then if I'm gambling for the long term, what am I sacrificing and what am I really working towards?  I don't have a retirement plan.  And as much as well meaning souls point out that I am young and "still have time" - I turn 34 this year, and I'd like to have babies soon.  We drop all our money into rent and student loans, with no hope of much of a pay raise.  Imagine the tough conversations occurring in our tiny apartment:  we have had some serious arguments and much needed reality checking recently.  I don't have any answers to this right now.  Just an odd sense of a priority shift, and a realization that we may have waited too long for some things that are deeply meaningful to us.

So that's all a real downer, eh?  I have fun answers, I promise! 

If this was my last month, I would go bowling, skydiving, base jumping, climb some mountains, ride in a hot air balloon, travel the world, make some art, go through all my stuff in storage and throw it all away (or donate it!).  I would go to a beach and spend good time with my husband.  I would sell everything.  I would wear flip flops and t-shirts, and laugh a lot.  I wouldn't bother with makeup and blow drying my hair.  I'd sign the forms to donate my body to science.  I'd eat cupcakes and cheeseburgers.  Anything that took too much time, I'd say, "I only have a month, I ain't got time for this."  I would say what I meant, I would tell people how I feel.  I would mourn all the things I couldn't do, all the books I couldn't read, and the babies I didn't get the chance to have.  I would say good goodbyes.  I would dance to the Grateful Dead, and drive long distances late at night with all the windows down and eighties music blaring.  I would be fearless.

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty, if your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain, that was not made by the hands of men.
There is a road, no simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow, that path is for your steps alone.

And I have one little update...

Walking in this World
I started reading the book Walking in this World by Julia Cameron, and following along with a small online group, writing my daily journal entries, facilitating my artist dates, and taking time for walks and wanderings.  This all took a lot of time ... and then the small group disappeared (and has since picked up with limited explanation).  So I was left with questioning if this is something that I want to spend my time doing.  The daily writing was a chore, but it did organize my thoughts and helped me keep on target for the next day.  Everything else was a practice I already had in place, so that is not going anywhere.  But reading and synthesizing the activities from the book is tough to do week to week. 

Over this past year, I've made it a point to try as many things as possible, and push myself as far as I can.  And I want to share what I do with others.   And I want it to have meaning.  I want the things that I spend my time doing to mean something, and come together into something greater.  I keep hoping that it will.  Sometimes I feel angry that I don't have time for these things.   But the truth is, I ain't got time for this.

So I am deciding to stop doing this one indefinitely. 

Ripple in still water, when there is no pebble tossed, nor wind to blow.
You who choose to lead must follow, but if you fall you fall alone, 

If you should stand then whos to guide you?  If I knew the way I would take you home. 

- Ripple, Grateful Dead

Reverb
http://www.reverb10.com/

G2W: 13 (Edit) Up

So I was supposed to do this like three weeks ago.  The truth is, I wasn't really into the photo.  And then life took over, and now I've missed three weeks of challenges.  Unfortunately, that's just how that had to be. 

And frankly, I hate my edit.  But that's the way it is with art making and learning, right?  Sometimes we make things that are awesome accidents that turn out beautifully simply because of the process of art making.  And sometimes, not so much.  I read recently that we are often afraid of trying new skills or incorporating new ways of doing things because for a period of time, we fall back.  It takes longer to do what we want to do, or the product is not as good.  But then we stick with it, and the new skill is incorporated.

Sometimes I get incredibly frustrated because that learning curve always seems steeper for me.  Other people seem to pick up skills fast, post amazing photos, start their photography businesses and show off their incredible skills.  I feel like I've been learning photography for years and years, and the science of it just does not click in my brain.  The more I think about it, the more I seem to mess it up.  That seems to be applicable to a lot of things for me, now that I think about it!  Maybe I just need to stop thinking so much, and enjoy the process a bit more.  If only it were that easy... 

Here is my edit.  I'll hopefully be able to pick up again soon.  I'm visualizing it like a game of double dutch - I'm just watching the rhythm until I'm ready to jump in again. 

ABAW:13

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week.  I'm falling behind in everything I am doing, drowning in a desperate pile of paperwork, staring woefully at my art projects across the room, and stacking up a list of to do items that is becoming laughable.  At this point, I'm just sitting back and twistedly watching to see how bad it can get.  Eh, what else can you do, huh?

I've been feeling trapped, obligated.  Obligated.  Observing that my needs aren't being met, and my roles are becoming confused.  I'm not growing, I'm learning but in fits and starts.  I am undervalued.  I help others do better than I have a hope of doing right now.  Things are twisted and backwards.

A big argument last night brought up hurtful, truthful observations.  I'm afraid of making a change.  I work too much.  I bring home too little money.  We are not making steps towards our goals, and I am not helping.  All the idealistic views in the world are not helping me take a real look at the reality of what I need to do. 

And so I need to set priorities:  unearth myself from the wastefulness of paper, begin applying for jobs and asking for what I am worth and do what needs to be done for my little family needs to grow.  Start a retirement fund.  Clean the damn apartment.  And somewhere in there, find a little place for art making - to not forget that I have needs that have to be met.