December 16 - Friendship

December 16 – Friendship. 
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

This is the one that is the hardest to write.  I am lucky to have two best friends, who I have known since middle school and have gotten to reconnect again with in adulthood.  I consider them both to be amazing people.  We are so different and so very deeply alike.  I respect and love them deeply.  One of my dearest friends has been struggling after the loss of her father.  One has recently discovered that she is pregnant.  I didn't realize that both would hit me in secretly painful places.  I didn't realize that this would make it so difficult to be friends with them.  I tried to hide, I tried to withdraw:  one friend reached out with her own pain and seemed to know exactly where to hit to hurt me when really she just wanted me to support her.   I couldn't find the words to tell her that I was also hurting, and that she was hurting me, and that I didn't know how to stop her hurting even though I felt like I should have the power to do so.  I couldn't tolerate it, and felt deeply shamed.  The other has had to play intermediary and work to seek me out, when she just wants to experience this joy with someone who would get the newness of it all.  I didn't want to tell her that I am jealous, that I feel I am going to lose her to mommyhood, that I want to be part of that strange sorority, and that what is happening to her is nothing short of simply amazing.  And because I was hiding from my own pain, I couldn't figure out how to set it aside to just be with them.  But I'm working on it.

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